*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
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I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
no one likes gloating
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.