Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Yup!
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.