I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
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*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Can. I. Help. You.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this