My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
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I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning