I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
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You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!