Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
You Might Also Like
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Born to be mild.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
*exercises sarcastically*
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card