Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
But is it really??
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”