NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
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‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.