My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
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Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..