[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
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Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Good boy 😂😂
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”