Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
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My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
jesus, what did this guy do
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan