WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.