Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
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[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
wow he looks just like him
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7