Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
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Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Pigeon open mic night.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]