Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Trying
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Breaking news:
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run