“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
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You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
this came to me in a vision
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
This has made my week.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Writing, She Murdered.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.