Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
describing stardew valley
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”