You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
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“Huge”.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Warm pools make me nervous.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes