My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
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Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you