Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
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My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Tastes like chicken.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Said the murderer.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS