my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.