I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
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It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Doggies just call it style.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.