You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
There is wisdom there.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
taking June’s advice to heart
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen