Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
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[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Legend 🤣🤣
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal