Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
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I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
next level snooze
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.