Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
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Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”