[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Feel. He’s so soft.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.