What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience