I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
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I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Holy moly
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.