Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
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angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Birds & Planes.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I don’t know what to do
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.