All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
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Who’s ready for Friday?!
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither