I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
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if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*