Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
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It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*