Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
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Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Ah..makes sense now
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.