Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
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I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.