[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
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*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school