We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back