Cow it started Cow it’s going
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.