After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
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I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity