Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
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The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.