I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
You Might Also Like
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
finally found a reasonable question
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.