when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
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MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
#milo
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
This kid is going places
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla