Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Ovenable?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber