Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
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I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
This is the one
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck