My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
You Might Also Like
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.