I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
NASA has no chill
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
A woman drives into a bar.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.