The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!