Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
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parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Milk Cube
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
i spent way too long on this
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
What a year we’ve had this week.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.