I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
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rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
rise and shine we got egg
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I’m dying louder than usual today.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My work here is done
gm
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?