Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
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My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Why I divorced her.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.